castle walls
by letsplaypretend
Summary: I knew I was going to die, and that she was going to live, and there was nothing I could do about it - but I did, and I didn't lose, even though I was supposed to.


**.**

**But you see, it came in exchange for a sane man's**

**sanity, your vision jaded by the trophies on the top**

**of the mantlepiece, just switch your camera lenses,**

**_you would see the agony._**

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><p><strong>it's so empty living behind these castle walls ;<strong>

I knew I was going to die.

From the beginning, when it all went to hell _and the earth seemed to cry like my mom was and my sister and my dad who would never ever be so weak was weeping for me_, I knew that I didn't have a chance. I was smart, smarter than smart, but that didn't mean anything – not when I was _me and that wasn't enough, had never been enough_ just me, just Clove, just a girl from District 2 that someone was heard over the crowd of volunteers and chosen, even though_ I wasn't ready how could I be ready I'm only fourteen._

And then we got to the Capitol and it was even prettier than I had heard that it was – my first thought was that my family should see it, because oh God my sister would have loved it. She loved shiny things – and sometimes my dad would bring them home from work and Mom would put them up so that we could look at it _because not everything was okay in Two, no matter what they would have you believe_. Sometimes, too, I would break them so that she couldn't see them _and wonder why we didn't have things like that because the questions in her eyes was too much for me_ and tell her that the dog had knocked them down. I don't regret that, at least – I regret at lot for how old I am but not that, _never that because it made her stronger and when I left I knew that she could handle herself_.

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><p><strong>if I should tumble, if I should fall, would anyone hear me ;<strong>

The night that we were introduced, I was so proud. I thought that I looked pretty, that people would look at me and not see a fourteen year old who tries too hard to be grown up and to look nice and just know that I was _Clove and I was strong and powerful and everything that a champion needed, so please please please won't you be on me, I won't let you down I swear, just please_ the person to be looking for. But then _she_ came in, Katniss from Twelve, who was prettier and smarter and better, because even though I had volunteered just like she had, she had done it for her sister, and that made her someone who was fighting for a reason _and I was, too, but that would have made me weak weak weak, and I couldn't be that, never never_ and for love, and I was just fighting to win. But I never was going to.

I could hear Cato growling under his breath next to me and it scared me, just a little, because he was so big and strong and I didn't know what he would want from me – but I shouldn't have been afraid, because he was gentle, so gentle, and he loved me in the only way that Cato ever could _and if I had to lose anything in this competition it would be that to him, because it was what I wanted and I needed him like I needed air_ and I don't regret it. Some people maybe would have regretted it, but I never did, and the way that he touched me made me feel alive for the first time since the Reaping, since I'd made my decision and maybe Fate was real, maybe I was supposed to be there, but I don't know.

I'll never know and I'm okay with that, in a way, because at least when the Games were over neither of us won, but we didn't lose, because we got to the end and that was all we needed. And Cato told me how to win, he taught me what I was doing _when I didn't even know myself and how to win, win, because that was all that was important to him, that somehow one of us get out and bring Two honor, because above all else, it was always Two that came first, not me_ when I threw the knives, how to aim, and at night he showed me how to love.

The two weeks were the best I'd ever had, and there were times in the Games that they were the only thing keeping me going, because even my family wasn't enough sometimes – because sometimes you just want to give up, but I couldn't, not when he was counting on me too, because Cato had more weight than they did, and he was there and they weren't, and that was all there was to it.

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><p><strong>screaming behind these castle walls, there's no one here ;<strong>

I hadn't hated her. I never hated her. None of us did, except Glimmer and then only because she was jealous _because Katniss had Peeta, who was good and better than all of us even from what I saw in the Games, and maybe if there hadn't been a Cato there would have been Peeta, but no, because there was a Katniss, and katniss was better than clover always _but we just respected her and were afraid of her. And Cato and I, we knew the truth, that we weren't going to win. We knew the first day when she ran, and didn't go for the bow like we had thought – because we knew her strength, from the shows that they showed and the score she'd gotten _and who got an eleven anyway, it wasn't fair it wasn't fair it hurt so much because I tried, I tried and that wasn't enough _– and the look he gave me spoke more than words.

We didn't talk, though, because what was there to say? We couldn't make it better, couldn't win the Game, even though we knew what we were doing and she didn't _she was innocent almost, not like Peeta but somewhat, but he was better and she was smart and that was why they won, because they didn't play a game but made new rules_ and we killed the people who maybe could have helped them.

When Cato came to me, I never said no, and we pretended for a minute that we were outside of the Arena, that we were back in Two where it is beautiful and shiny _and so very very fragile, glass that could break any minute but won't because hope holds it together and fear won't let it fall_ and all we had to worry about were the marks on the next examination. It isn't, of course, but it is nice to pretend, even if it's only for a night _but what a night it is, and sometimes I wish that I could be with him for the rest of my life, and that's funny, I laugh and cry at the same time, because I will be_ that everything is okay.

"I want you to kill me." He whispers the words into my hair, so softly that I almost can't hear them, _but of course I do, every sense alight with danger danger Cato danger_ and I turn to look at him, my eyes full of a feeling I would never put a name to. Star-crossed lovers was a brilliant play and I'll be damned if I'll ruin it for them _because they are good, so good, and I won't mess with the game they're playing when I don't know the rules_ and besides, we don't have a chance. We never did.

I search his eyes, blue like he ocean I'd always dreamed of and the fake _fake fake fake_ sky above us during the day, and what I see doesn't help, but I nod anyway, because I've never denied Cato anything. It isn't how I work, not how _we_ work, _but we don't work and that's what makes us so perfect, because he is Cato and I am Clove and we were damned from the beginning but we will change it._

"Okay." And then I am lost again, and this time I am trying, I can tell, he can tell, and neither of us change because it is over, like it always was, but we know the truth, now. They cannot take that away from us, they cannot take this away from me, and I will be free until it kills me _and it will in the end and I don't care because I want this right here, right now_ and I am nothing but dust.

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><p><strong>i sit so high on a throne, and wonder how i feel so low ;<strong>

The sound of the announcer's voice rings through my spine, and I turn, my eyes seeking Cato's instinctively. We cannot afford not to go to the Cornucopia; he needs what is there desperately _and maybe I did, too, but that is wrong, so wrong, because there is no way that I am making it out of here alive_ and Katniss would be there, we knew it, and this was all just a plan that was going to make things hard, harder than they should have been. It didn't matter, though, and his lips crush mine and his body, too, but I take it, take it all, _this is all I ever wanted please just let me remember this_ because this was the end, and we knew it.

He doesn't say anything when I knock him out, when I run off, and when I look back he could be sleeping - the smile on my lips is obscured by tears, but they are gone by the time that I reach the center. There is no room for weakness, and the cameras that would have been off during the nights with us are on me now, I know it, and the people back home are holding their breaths, but I'm not – I don't have any more to waste, and I am going to live now, for as long as possible. A flash of red swings by me, but I let it go, and it doesn't matter that she had what she needed, because no one except Katniss or maybe Peeta or even both if it is true are going to win, and Cato would make sure of it _because he promised her, and she him, that they were going to change the Games and this was the only way they knew how so it would work it had to she would make it_ when he woke up and didn't cry.

And then I am in the middle of it, _how did I get here I don't remember moving, am I losing it already? Don't let me forget the sky or the trees or the grass, please please let me remember Cato let me remember this all _and she is there, strong and beautiful and determined, and when I launch myself at her, I have forgotten why she must win. And she punches back and me, fighting and kicking to save Peeta's life, and I have lost myself in the fight _this is why I am Clove and why I have survived, because I don't take hostages and I want her to win but she must earn it, I will not dishonor Two or my family or me or Cato, they will kill me first please, please _when someone steps in.

I spit, but it does nothing, and I try again, but he is talking and I don't know his name, and then he shakes me. I don't know what comes out of my mouth but whatever it is, it's not what he wants to hear, and now I am screaming because I don't want to die like this _I don't want to die I'm only fourteen why is this happening_ and through the haze of pain and worry I fix my eyes on her's, and I scream and scream, because he won't hear me but I want them to know that he belonged to me. That he wasn't theirs, he is mine, he will be mine, and I hope that he dies by her hand, because he can't by mine anymore and I broke that promise _but he'll forgive me, I know he will, when he wakes up and doesn't cry_ but that doesn't matter anymore.

_Cato! Cato! Ca - _

Nothing happens and it is black and I have not won, and I knew I wouldn't.

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><p><strong>on top of the world is beautiful, but there's no place to fall .<strong>

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><p><strong>.<strong>


End file.
